I feel like I'm in a pit that I can't crawl out of.
Today, I finally reached out to the helpline that my company offers its employees so I can find help with getting counseling. I set up an appointment for next week, and I feel like now that I've accomplished that, I can just go ahead and go to sleep until then.
I keep working through the pain I'm feeling, though. Laughing at my bosses (because they are genuinely funny!), being as pleasant to people as possible, helping out whenever I'm asked to help out with something. (Within reason, of course. Don't ask me to help you do an oil change on your car. Not unless you want a really broken car at the end of the process!)
I want to cry, and cry, and sleep, and cry. And I can't. I have to keep pretending to be fine.
Leo and I have visitors coming in from out of town this weekend, and I'm so excited about seeing them and entertaining them and having good times while they're here!
But all the same, I'll be in that damned pit while I'm doing it. Hoping they don't notice my flinching and spasming and the quick moments of teared up eyes.
One of the ways I'm coping is by shopping online. I'm trying to keep it reasonable, because I notice it as a coping mechanism for myself, so I need to keep it as controlled as possible. The day before yesterday, I bought some stuff from the Gap. And then I bought a calendar and a luggage tag (both Anne Taintor) yesterday. And today I bought some items that are on sale at West Elm.
Oh, and today I also bought some relatively expensive tickets for a Chiefs vs Chargers game at the end of September. I started out by looking into how much it would cost to buy one of their lower end boxes at the stadium for the season. And I look forward to using that for a good laugh with Leo tonight when we're hanging out, because NO. Hahahahahahahahanonononono...I feel bad for the sales guy that I spoke to because he sounded like a genuinely nice person. And I definitely plan on working on not laughing at him when I talk to him again about that not being the right option for my family at this time, but thanking him for sending me the information.
If anyone wants to go in on a box at the stadium, though, let me know. That seems like a more reasonable way to do it. Kind of like buying a condo in a vacationey-type area with family members, and then sharing it from week to week. Because, srsly...buying a box at the stadium is like buying a 2nd house. And I'd rather do that, to be quite honest!
I'm sure this sales guy is used to fuckers like me emailing for more info, and then never hearing from them again, though. They don't put any info out on the Chiefs website about the costs associated with the boxes. It's really terribly put together, IMO. Had they had even just a few of the numbers available in a standard search point on the site, he'd never have had to bother with me.
Oh well! I'm sure he'll understand. /oddest segue evar
I'm trying to focus on the good, though. I really am. The pit is just getting so fucking deep, is all. And I'm afraid of what the answer is to getting out of it. I'm thinking I'm going to have to take a leave of absence from my work, is the thing. It's just sucking the life out of me to have to sit here and feel the twitch twitch twitch all the goddammed time, and to not be able to scream away the pain of the annoyance. I need some time to try to heal. And to try to do more - yoga, pilates, workouts, medicine, WHATEVER - to try to get the twitch to abate even just a little bit.
God, you all must be so tired of hearing about this anymore. I'm so sorry...blah.