Thursday, October 04, 2012

Having trouble with solicitors?

I have a friend who's been having some issues with solicitors knocking on her door throughout the day (she's a stay at home mom...with a barky dog, no less) trying to talk to her about who she's planning to vote for.

I think this is a shitty thing to do to people, personally. I've never been a big fan of solicitors, and now that we've reached this absolute golden age of internet availability, we no longer have a need, really, for anyone to go door to door to sell us: a new roof; magazines for a fundraiser; housepainting services; lawn services; on their opinion of who we should vote for; anything relating to the belief in or support of Jesus.

She's an Obama supporter. She's not interested in a discussion about it either way because she has her mind made up. She really wants the people to just go away. Unfortunately, unlike me, she can't look through a peephole in the door to make sure that she isn't turning a blind eye to a bleeding and needy child that has stumbled to her doorstep looking for help after being involved in a hit and run on their bike down the street. She has a giant window on the front of her house, so solicitors can pretty well see that she is home, hanging out, and ready for them to come a'knockin'.

I think she likely isn't alone in this predicament. And so I thought I might go ahead and make the offer to all of you that I did to her. (My first suggestion was that she just stare out the window at the person on her porch until they went away. Maybe go to the kitchen first, and grab a banana, or something, and eat it while calmly staring the person/people down. But that isn't her style. I think it'd be awesome all the same. So if you can do that sort of thing, DO IT. And then come tell me about how it worked out. You would be my personal hero, if that helps you at all.)

Instead, I suggested that she print out a picture of my face from this picture:

And then print out this picture of me drinking a vodka drink:

And put them on opposite sides of a stick. (I picture something like a paint stirrer, here.)

When annoying person comes to your door, ignoring the idea that maybe you have a barky dog (which they, DUH, know because said barky dog is now barking it's ass off at them) and oh hey!, might also have a sleeping baby in another room (which has now been successfully and rudely awakened by the barky dog, thanks), it's time for the "Annoyed Faith/Now I'm Drinking and You Can Fuck Off! Faith" stick person that gets held up in the window.

I'd start with the annoyed side. And then if the person doesn't take that as a hint, surprise! I've got a drink, and you can just fuck off now!

I think this might be wildly successful, so feel free to use my images to your advantage in any situation where you don't want to talk. I'd imagine it could be helpful in such situations as: a blind date that isn't going well; any kind of meeting with your annoying boss where you will be blamed for someone else's mistake...again; discussions with your father-in-law about anything pertaining to female rights (that one might just apply to me...not sure); etc...

Ok, so good luck, go forth and roll my eyes at annoying people, and let's have some fun, shall we? WOO!


faithstwin said...

The eating one is brilliant- I would totally do that (If I could incognito film it for everyone to see). But your pics also work for me as well. I have that little side window so the people don't even need to see me. They would just see my hand holding the Faith pics going back and forth while I stay hidden behind the door. Nice.

Faith said...

I was totally thinking about how awesome your little window is for this kind of application. You should totally have a Faith Stick in your house! :D

Hound Doggy said...

I have the big window situation...if they see me I just wave them I would a fly or something....and I look annoyed while doing it. Then I go about my business. It has worked perfectly each time.

Staring at them would be fun too in theory...but that's not quite my style either.

statia said...

I had one when my kids were wee and still napping, that basically was a VERY LONG diatribe about how I had sleeping children and for the love of all that is holy, I will rib LIMBS off if they so much as touch that doorbell during the day and risk waking them up. It was pretty fierce. So fierce in fact that my friends actually were afraid to ring the bell. Haha. Now I just have a sign that says no solicitors. Not many people ring my bell.

Noble Rot said...

Okay, so... I took your advice and printed the pictures out. I pasted them back to back, using a bent wire cloths hanger for the handle.

Then I had the chance to use them when my Supermodel wife was going through our plans to hang out with her family during Thanksgiving.

Well, long story short, I'm looking for a place to crash for a few weeks at the end of November. Got a spare room?

Faith said...

Ooohhh...maybe I should've clarified that the Stick Faith is best used with strangers and in an anonymous function only. I feel partially responsible for that slip up, but not 100%.

I can recommend some lovely hotels, Noble Rot...

Fred Sanford said...

I put up a NO SOLICITORS sign years ago. I still get people knocking whom, after apprised of the sign right by the fucking door, honestly ask what it means.