Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I'd like some time alone, without my body.

I feel tired, run down, and generally icky right now. I don't know why. Maybe I need more rest. Maybe I need more vacation time. Maybe I need more cake.

(Please, God, let it be the cake thing!*)

I've been seeing a hypnotherapist for a while now, trying to learn how to change my brain when it comes to food. It's hard work. I know that sounds stupid, but changing the brain is a really hard thing to do, when it gets right down to it. I see my therapist once a week, and then outside of therapy, I am supposed to listen to my hypnotherapy CDs, work in a workbook, and read through a companion guide to the program.

But I've lost track of listening to the CDs the way I'm supposed to. The weekly appointments are something I still look forward to, but kind of see as a bit of a chore because of the "homework" I'm supposed to do, but haven't made time for.

And I seem to have gotten fatter since I started the program.

I feel mentally fine with this, a majority of the time. Sometimes, I try on a dress that I thought might work, and it doesn't, and I go, "Meh," and get a little mad about it. But I move on quickly.

I haven't cried about being fat in a while. So that's a step in the right direction, in my book.

But lately, I really have noticed that I'm not devoting myself to the changes I want to make the way I planned to initially. And I'm wondering why that is? Because I totally want to make the change.

And that's something I need to talk to my therapist about, now that I see it in writing like that, so I guess it's good that I wrote it out.

I've learned a lot about myself (and others) throughout this hypnotherapy process, though. That's been pretty invaluable to me, overall. My brain is more powerful than I ever gave it credit for. But training it is as hard as it's always been.

I need more power behind my convictions, dammit. Is that something I can find on eBay?


*I don't need more cake.

3 comments:

Donna said...

It's just too easy to eat too much these days. Last year I decided that at my age (67) I should enjoy life and not worry about being fat. However, since that affected how my husband (with heart issues and a worse weight problem than mine) ate, on New Year's Day I decided to get on track for at least the 50th time in my life. Once I start, losing weight is easy for me. But once I get to my goal weight, I seem to start gaining again. I am really resolved to see this through and maintain, but I'm so scared I won't. Sparkpeople.com helps me a lot, but it doesn't make it easy. I hope you find whatever works for YOU.

faithstwin said...

My problem? Motivation. Motivation is a stupid whore bitch. She can suck it and eff off.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time with it! My inability to find time to work out has been just sooo heavy on me. Walking all over Catalina really drove that nail in. I can not WAIT for the store to open so I can have a more consistent schedule and be able to get to the gym a few times a week again.

Faith said...

Part of the hypnotherapy work is focussing on what success means to me. Having to change from that goal-setting tendency to want to fit into a certain dress by a certain date. And focussing more on success being about listening to my body (stopping eating when I'm full; not eating if I'm not hungry; etc...), being active, and making good food choices.

It's amazing how hard my brain wants to work against me on this stuff! But it's important to me to reach the main goal of being happy, healthy, and PEACEFUL, so I will continue to work on it!