Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Every. fuckin'. time.

Every time we go out of town, I place an online order right before we go.

Yes, you heard me correctly. I order shit online - clothes, housewares, more clothes, a large DESK that came in 7 different boxes weighing anywhere from 18 pounds to 85 pounds separately, etc... - and then promptly leave town for several days.

I wish I were exaggerating. I really do. But I think we have been on one trip in the last year where I haven't ordered something that was delivered while we were out of town. Maybe. I honestly can't remember. (I'm getting old, and my brain is sad and feeble. Which might be an explanation for why I do this sort of thing...)

You might be asking, "Faith, are you some kind of special idiot?"

Yes. Yes I am. Other people have told me so (these people are also known as "the people we have to call to get the stuff off our porch and dragged to someplace safe from the elements and the criminals", a.k.a. our personal trainer/good friend, Alan), my husband has told me so (in a nicer way than Alan does), and even I have told me so.

I'm aware. I get it.

But I'm pretty close to perfect in most other respects, so I forgive myself and move on with life. (Unlike SOME OTHER people, i.e. that Alan guy. He has plans for the stuff I order the next time we go out of town and have to call him for help. Fortunately, we have more friends than just him. So nyah nyah, Alan. SUCK IT!) (And also, I hate lunges...please stop asking me to do lunges!)

One time, Alan had to come to our house to help out with around 25 pounds of bison I had ordered online the previous week. I forgot about how the company's shipments work, and it came the day we left town, too late for us to receive ourselves. So he had to drag the box inside, and then put all that meat into our deep freezer in the basement for us. Sooo, he kind of has good reason for getting mad whenever I do this sort of thing from here on out, I suppose. (But it is still no excuse for making me do LUNGES!)

The desk thing was NOT MY FAULT though. I ordered that thing on a Tuesday, and it said that the estimated shipping date wasn't for 5 - 7 business days. We were going out of town for a wedding that Thursday, but would return the following Monday, so I figured we had plenty of time!

Fuck if they didn't ship that damned desk the following day. Fine, I thought...we'll have to worry about it maybe sitting on the porch for a few hours on Monday, but no biggy, right? I thought that FOR SURE since it was being shipped via UPS Ground, it would take a few days to get to us, and with 2 of those days being a weekend, we would be fine!

I checked the tracking info as we sat at lunch that Thursday to see where the desk was at in its transport process. Yeah, that would be LEFT AT FRONT PORCH at about 10:30 a.m. that morning. (Um, we had left the house about 2 hours before that. We were driving to Indianapolis. We totally could have waited had we known, goddammit.) There were 7 HUGE boxes just sitting on our front porch waiting for us to bring them inside.

So I texted my old boss to see if he could help, but I didn't really expect him to respond or to be able to do anything on such short notice. We discussed whether we should contact Alan, but I knew that would be a terrible plan. Then Leo had a thought, and he called our contractor who had redone our master bedroom. Fortunately, he was close by, and graciously agreed to help.

My old boss did respond after a bit, though, and said he'd have been happy to help, but he was glad we found someone that could assist us.

Anyway, it was a fuck up, but it wasn't MY fuck up, IMO. But it taught me a valuable lesson!

Yeah, no it didn't.

Last week, Leo and I went up to Chicago/South Bend to visit family and friends, and to watch a Notre Dame vs USC game. We left Thursday morning.

And guess what I had done earlier that week?

YUP. I had ordered some stuff online. It was stuff I needed, though! Pink gloves to complete my Halloween costume! Halloween was only two weeks away at the time, and I hadn't been able to find pink gloves ANYWHERE, so I had to get them when I saw them!!! And then Sephora warned me that my VIB status was going to expire if I didn't place an order, so I had to order some makeup from Sephora! It's not like it was just unnecessary stuff!


Anywayyys, we were in a pickle yet again. So I suggested we ask a neighbor for help this time. And he did. And they totally collected all the random little packages that arrived while we were gone, because they are awesome. And while we were away, the car dealership sent me a tin of giant chocolate chip cookies as a thank you for buying my new Jeep from them a couple of weeks ago. So when Leo went to get the packages from the neighbors when we got back last week, he was able to give them a big "Thank You" tin of cookies that looked delicious (but of course, I couldn't eat them, dammit! ::cries:: ), and everything basically worked out perfectly because I am pretty close to perfect, as previously stated, and that's how my karma works out, yo.

This week, we are headed to New Orleans for a fun weekend with our pal Lyn. We're so excited! We head down on Thursday, and will get back next week, and I was so damned proud of myself for not making the whole ordering-something-right-before-a-trip mistake that I even mentioned it to Leo the other day. He was very happy to hear it!

Here's to me breaking the cycle of stupid!!! ::clink clink!::

Side note: Did anybody else pre-order Allie Brosh's book back in July? I did, and I am SO EXCITED to get it! I just got a note today letting me know that it...um...it shipped. Huh. Better open that email to see when it's due to arr...GODDAMMIT!!!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

And just like that, POOF! I'm better.

It's been a few days since my last post, and it's pretty fuckin' amazing how different I feel this week.

I've been seeing that nutritionist for a little while now, and through the help of supplements and dietary changes, I've been trying to get my hormones and general levels of toxicity under control for the past 6 weeks. Under his supervision, of course. Seeing the hypnotherapist in conjunction with the changes has been instrumental in the work I'm doing.

Last Wednesday, I felt like I'd hit rock bottom. I'd been in the early stage of a cleanse that the nutrition doc put me on, and I was so sad for two reasons:

1. I had weighed myself over the weekend to see if there was any small chance that the changes in my diet (lowered amounts of cals, quite a few supplements, and dropping my intake of caffeine and ditching alcohol all together) had made a difference yet. And it had! I was down 2 pounds after just a few days.

When I weighed myself again Wednesday morning to make sure I was still on the right track, I had somehow gone UP half a pound. And I was PIIIIISSED.

2. Leo and I had plans to go to the dog park for a long walk, and they got fucked up because he forgot about a different appointment he had right about the time we were getting ready to go.

Those two absolutely ridiculously silly issues set me on a downward spiral that involved crying, anger, more crying, some yelling, and some relatively crazy comments aimed at Leo such as, "Why does it matter what I want for dinner? Apparently the world revolves around you, so let's just do what LEO wants to do!" (I also got pissed when I saw him doing the dishes. Don't ask...it's just embarrassing for me to explain it any further.)

Anyway, I sent an email to my nutrition doc asking him WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? Because the emotions I was feeling...they were not normal, yo. He called me pretty quickly, and said that my liver was releasing a lot of anger in response to the cleanse. He wanted me to drink more water, work out more, and just keep at it because it might last another few days, but would eventually subside.

I acted like a pouty child whose favorite toy got accidentally thrown away for the rest of that day.

And then Thursday, I felt 100% better. It was so weird.

At this point in the cleanse, I'm down to 1 week left (it's a 3 week cleanse), and I feel fantastic. Much more in control of my mood, my body, my cravings...everything. I'm eating anywhere from 1100 - 1300 calories per day, and I am not hungry. It's good stuff, too. All fruits, veggies, proteins (with the exception of pork and shrimp, which are apparently made of evil, according to the guidelines of this particular cleanse), fats...and at this point in the process, I can have small amounts of alcohol, which are easily fitting into the total calorie count without causing any problems. (However, it makes me feel a bit icky when I drink it, so I'm keeping it minimal right now.)

Feeling this in control is awesome. Especially after the meltdown I had last week! All of your encouraging comments were so helpful and appreciated, so thanks for listening when I just didn't know what else to do.

I'm pretty broken, but I'm not a total lost cause. Yay for having found the right guidance, finally!

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Always soft and squishy in the middle.

I left my job in mid-August so I could pursue a better, healthier life for myself. I gained a fair amount of weight over the last 5 years, and have been fighting against it more than anything else all of that time.

Actually, I've been fighting against it for my whole life, but it just wasn't as defeating to me as it has been for the last 15 years.

I've been working out with a personal trainer consistently for the last 3 years. I've been watching my diet in what I felt was a productive way. I've been getting therapy in various forms...psychologically, physically, chiropractically, acupuncturally, attacking my brain, my body, my hormones, my fucking CHI.

And through the help of the hypnotherapist that I started seeing about 5 months ago, I realized that there are holes that I'm trying to fill. I'm trying to fill them with stress, food, alcohol, and noise.

Which is all creating a bigger hole, really.

We're tying things back to my childhood. We're finding a lack of closure for my grief over the loss of my parents. We're finding connections between the stress that I experienced in my job 10 - 12 years ago that might have contributed to the hemifacial spasm.

My stomach used to take the brunt of my stress...IBS, colon and intestinal issues were all the result. And once my stomach couldn't take anymore, it started going, literally, to my head, and probably is the source of those cluster headaches.

My hypnotherapist recommended I see a doctor she's worked with for a while for help with my nutrition, so I started working with him 5 weeks ago to heal my gut, deal with my hormonal imbalance, and help my body get balanced again.

We have to do all of that first, he said, in order to get me back to a point where I could lose weight.

I don't want to not believe him...I'm trying to be positive about it all. But it's very, very hard. My brain still isn't where it needs to be to continue down this path in a healthy way. In fact, just when I think it might be, something very small throws me back off track again, and causes a depression spiral that's hard to fight.

I'm in that spiral today, so I thought I should write about it and share what's been going on. I'm hoping it helps me get a hold on something. I'm hoping it can help me get back to a sense of the positive. I'm hoping it can reverse the spiral, and give me back that feeling of control that I've had for a majority of the last month.

I need to stop hating my body, y'all. I really, really do.