I left my job in mid-August so I could pursue a better, healthier life for myself. I gained a fair amount of weight over the last 5 years, and have been fighting against it more than anything else all of that time.
Actually, I've been fighting against it for my whole life, but it just wasn't as defeating to me as it has been for the last 15 years.
I've been working out with a personal trainer consistently for the last 3 years. I've been watching my diet in what I felt was a productive way. I've been getting therapy in various forms...psychologically, physically, chiropractically, acupuncturally, attacking my brain, my body, my hormones, my fucking CHI.
And through the help of the hypnotherapist that I started seeing about 5 months ago, I realized that there are holes that I'm trying to fill. I'm trying to fill them with stress, food, alcohol, and noise.
Which is all creating a bigger hole, really.
We're tying things back to my childhood. We're finding a lack of closure for my grief over the loss of my parents. We're finding connections between the stress that I experienced in my job 10 - 12 years ago that might have contributed to the hemifacial spasm.
My stomach used to take the brunt of my stress...IBS, colon and intestinal issues were all the result. And once my stomach couldn't take anymore, it started going, literally, to my head, and probably is the source of those cluster headaches.
My hypnotherapist recommended I see a doctor she's worked with for a while for help with my nutrition, so I started working with him 5 weeks ago to heal my gut, deal with my hormonal imbalance, and help my body get balanced again.
We have to do all of that first, he said, in order to get me back to a point where I could lose weight.
I don't want to not believe him...I'm trying to be positive about it all. But it's very, very hard. My brain still isn't where it needs to be to continue down this path in a healthy way. In fact, just when I think it might be, something very small throws me back off track again, and causes a depression spiral that's hard to fight.
I'm in that spiral today, so I thought I should write about it and share what's been going on. I'm hoping it helps me get a hold on something. I'm hoping it can help me get back to a sense of the positive. I'm hoping it can reverse the spiral, and give me back that feeling of control that I've had for a majority of the last month.
I need to stop hating my body, y'all. I really, really do.