Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Always soft and squishy in the middle.

I left my job in mid-August so I could pursue a better, healthier life for myself. I gained a fair amount of weight over the last 5 years, and have been fighting against it more than anything else all of that time.

Actually, I've been fighting against it for my whole life, but it just wasn't as defeating to me as it has been for the last 15 years.

I've been working out with a personal trainer consistently for the last 3 years. I've been watching my diet in what I felt was a productive way. I've been getting therapy in various forms...psychologically, physically, chiropractically, acupuncturally, attacking my brain, my body, my hormones, my fucking CHI.

And through the help of the hypnotherapist that I started seeing about 5 months ago, I realized that there are holes that I'm trying to fill. I'm trying to fill them with stress, food, alcohol, and noise.

Which is all creating a bigger hole, really.

We're tying things back to my childhood. We're finding a lack of closure for my grief over the loss of my parents. We're finding connections between the stress that I experienced in my job 10 - 12 years ago that might have contributed to the hemifacial spasm.

My stomach used to take the brunt of my stress...IBS, colon and intestinal issues were all the result. And once my stomach couldn't take anymore, it started going, literally, to my head, and probably is the source of those cluster headaches.

My hypnotherapist recommended I see a doctor she's worked with for a while for help with my nutrition, so I started working with him 5 weeks ago to heal my gut, deal with my hormonal imbalance, and help my body get balanced again.

We have to do all of that first, he said, in order to get me back to a point where I could lose weight.

I don't want to not believe him...I'm trying to be positive about it all. But it's very, very hard. My brain still isn't where it needs to be to continue down this path in a healthy way. In fact, just when I think it might be, something very small throws me back off track again, and causes a depression spiral that's hard to fight.

I'm in that spiral today, so I thought I should write about it and share what's been going on. I'm hoping it helps me get a hold on something. I'm hoping it can help me get back to a sense of the positive. I'm hoping it can reverse the spiral, and give me back that feeling of control that I've had for a majority of the last month.

I need to stop hating my body, y'all. I really, really do.

5 comments:

Average Jane said...

I'm very happy for you that you've been working so hard to identify your problems and work them out. There will always be roadblocks, but it sounds like you're making great progress. Don't give up!

Patti said...

I don't remember how I found your blog, but I check in every now and then. Just wanted to share that for me, a yoga practice made a huge difference in every part of my life. I now own a studio and teach yoga b/c it was so important for me when I needed some help crawling out of a big deep, dark hole. My life isn't perfect but it is so much more manageable and happy with yoga. If you want to try a class, my treat, send me a note. You can come to my class and see if you find some peace. Don't look at it like a weight loss activitiy, though you might lose weight. Don't look at it as an answer to depression or past trauma, though you might find that it helps heal all those. Just see it as a time to look inward and learn to love yourself. Can't hurt, right?

faithstwin said...

How Sweet of Patti! If I were near ya, I'd go and pretend I was you! ;)

March on, dear Twin. I know answers will come if you just keep at it. And in the meantime, remember Oldest's new nickname, Janel (pronounced like panel- I found a better word for help with how she said it. Tee!)

Bev and Kev said...

For me, I wasn't able to truly love and appreciate the my (very imperfect!) body until I volunteered with people whose bodies were not working. When you are around someone whose legs are paralyzed, it's hard not to appreciate the fact that yours work. We are not perfect. We all carry around baggage. We just simply are. You may never be "perfect" but you don't have to be. Just be you! Good luck!

Nuke said...

Well damn, Faith I am sorry to hear you are down. Hang in there and I am sure it will pass, because it sounds like you are doing the right things.

It's inspirational to people like me who seem to procrastinate change in our lives or half-ass it.

And I need you ready to do your magic for me in your new decorating/consulting business if I ever hit the Powerball ;-)