Thursday, January 31, 2013

He gets puppy-hugs every day, believe me.

Jake (a.k.a. Baby Puppeh, Bub-Bub, Little Man, etc, etc...) is not keen on letting Leo and I do things without him being involved. It's kind of a cute quality, really. And it's a good thing he's little, I suppose!

Joining us for dinner, clearly enthralled by what Alisha has to say...

If we're sitting at the kitchen island, HE is sitting at the kitchen island!
Are we lying around on our back right now? OK!

Here...let me give you something to stretch towards...rub mah belleh!
My dogs make me smile every day...cannot imagine our household without them!

I'm feeling better this week, but don't have much on my mind to post about. So I thought I'd share the pics instead. Hope everyone else is getting by all right!

Monday, January 28, 2013

Yeah, I gave up. The diet is OVAH.

That Medifast shit wasn't just hard, it was depressing. Super-depressing. I had to quit it.

I'm disappointed in myself, not gonna lie.

But I refuse to live life in a consistently unhappy state of mind. Constant anger with myself, my resolve, my willpower...it was ridiculous. Even after just a week of it!

I didn't have the energy to work out, so that didn't help. Working out puts me into a better mood. So when that falls off the radar, my world starts to crumble a little bit at a time.

I'm making my peace with it. Went and worked out this morning, and had a good amount of fun with my trainer. I was too depressed, mad, and sad to go see him on Thursday last week when I was supposed to...that was pretty much my breaking point with the whole thing.

So I'll go back to doing what I need to do...working out 6 days a week, eating healthy a majority of the time, and allowing myself my little splurges here and there. And if I continue to weigh 210 pounds, then that's just fiiine.

Better to have a slightly roly-poly body than to be pissed off an unhappy all the damned time, is how I see it.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Week one down, and I want to give up already.

Ok, this is one of those tough days. Yesterday was not so much...I was busy, and I didn't have time to be anything other than grateful for my quick, easy-to-prepare "meals".

Today...only one meeting. And now I'm sitting here trying not to think about what I need to get at Target later, because the idea of setting foot inside a place where I can buy turkey jerky, Tostito's and queso at the same time as getting the band aids, straws, and Vitamin D3 that I need is about killing me right now.

So I will distract myself by putting up a post with my before pictures.

I took those over the weekend, so it's not a 100% true "before" shot, but it's close enough. Sorry about how fuzzy they are...I had to turn off the flash in order to take a pic of myself in the mirror, so the images aren't too fab. But they get the point across, I think. 
I told my personal trainer on Monday that it's so hard to go from one day to the next feeling alternately fine with the diet/wanting to eat standard meals again and throwing the diet to the curb, and he was actually really nice to me for the first time in a while. He reminded me that the fact that I do regular exercise (particularly the weight-bearing kind that he kills me with twice a week) is setting me up to be in a better place down the line. I'll have healthier bones and better posture as I get older.

That's all true. But I just wish I could get somewhere with the work I do, already! That's all.

I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up. I'm having a hard time with making up my mind between "this is too strict and just STUPID!" and "I can do this...it will totally be worth all the trouble in the end!" Maybe next week will be better. In the meantime, I'm carrying on...as best I can.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Coming clean: I'm on a diet.

Totally unrelated to any ass issues that might or might not happen again…


I’m on a new diet. This is not a “lifestyle”, or a “new way of eating” or any of those other flowery ways to put it.

Straight up, I am a bitch on a DIET.

Why am I doing it now? I don’t know. I kinda wanna look awesome when I hit 40 next year. I wanna not have to go get lipo and a full body tuck in order to be a size 14 again.

I wanna BE a size 14 again.

Anyway, I was seeing those Medifast commercials over the first couple of weeks of the year…you know, the ones where a chubbier version of the person is talking to the skinnier version of themselves, and vice versa, and aside from striking me as a really weird way of having to do a before and after for a diet program, it just seemed like they’re such normal people. People who look like I do right now in their “before” half of the conversation. So I looked it up online.

And I decided to give it a try.

It is HARD. I can’t sugarcoat it. It starts out with what they call the 5/1 plan, where I eat 5 of their packaged meals (which, yes, packaged and processed goes against everything I have been doing for the past 2 years, admittedly. I’m trying not to let it get to me too much) and then 1 “lean and green” meal that consists of a certain amount of meat (depends on the fattiness of the piece of meat…like 98% fat free ground turkey breast is ok at 7 oz per day vs salmon which would be only 5 oz, and then there are variants in between…) and a certain type/amount of a veggie. If you want details, it’s all free on their website. You can go check it out…I’m not gonna re-write it all here. But here are some basics:

Each Medifast meal is about 100 calories. I eat one for breakfast at about 7 a.m. I eat another one for a snack at about 9:30 a.m. I eat one for lunch at about 12 p.m. And then I eat one for a later snack at about 3:45 or 4.

And then I eat dinner. Glorious, wonderful, faaaabulous DINNER. ::cue singing angels::

So far this week, I’ve had a chicken breast (which Leo did up with a balsamic glaze type thing that was YUMMY) and lightly sautéed zucchini, and then last night I had salmon with a pile of romaine and spinach mix tossed with a balsamic vinegar dressing of sorts that Leo also created for me. Without oil.

It was fucking DELICIOUS.

I’m sure the reason why these things taste so damned good is partially because I’ve only had 400 calories each day by the time I eat dinner (at 6 or 7 p.m….depending on the day). But it’s also because Leo is a damned good cook. And THANK GOD for that!

Tonight will be taco salad, consisting of ground buffalo (7 oz!), lettuce (1 cup), diced tomato (a couple tablespoons), a little cheddar cheese (maybe a tablespoon or two of that), and ¼ of an avocado. YUM!

And then after dinner, I’m supposed to have one more snack…they have lots of sweet options, so it’s just like dessert. No biggy.

This diet is hard because all totaled at the end of the day, I am supposed to eat no more than 800 – 1,000 calories per day, and there’s just no way around that…it is fucking HARD to do. It’s helpful that I’m eating every few hours, but still. GAH.

I’m sharing this with you all because it’s what’s happening with me right now. I’m not looking for comments on how this is like being anorexic, or how it’s not sustainable, or anything about what I should be eating instead of this packaged stuff. Maybe I’ll only be able to do it for a week. Maybe I’ll be able to do it for months. Who knows?

Today is just day 3, so we’ll see how it all goes from here.

The point is that I need the structure. I need the strictness. At this age and stage in my life, apparently I need very few calories in order to lose weight, and as much as I want to be able to do it on my own with standard, non-packaged food, it's not happening. I'm going to be 400 pounds by the time I turn 60 if I don't do something about it now.

I still exercise, but not as much for the time being, since I’m running so much lower on a daily calorie amount. I see my trainer twice a week, and then I walk 2 or 3 more times a week on the treadmill for 30 -40 minutes. The idea is to keep my body in what’s called ketosis. Here’s how it’s described on their website: “On the 5 & 1 Plan, an individual can expect to take in less than 100 grams of total carbohydrates per day (generally in the range of 75-95 grams total). This lower level of carbohydrates, coupled with the reduced calorie level of the Medifast 5 & 1 Plan, allows your body to enter the fat- burning state, also known as a very mild "dietary ketosis." This causes the body's fat stores to release free fatty acids, which are then converted by the liver into an energy source called ketones. This mild dietary fat-burning state helps the body achieve faster weight loss while helping preserve muscle tissue. The fat-burning state also helps naturally reduce appetite and hunger while still allowing you to feel sufficient levels of energy.”

Wish me luck. (And maybe stay away from me at around 5 or 5:30 each day…that’s when I’m my least-approachable, it seems. I can manage through all the rest of the day ok, but that stretch right before eating my actual MEAL of the day? It’s like I’m a tiger that hasn’t eaten in a month. Not attractive!)

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

See, and this is why I don't know what to do!

Today is fine. No blood. No pain. No problems.

My ass is a confusing monster.

I don't know what to do. Wait another month and see if this happens again? Call the doctor now? What the fuck do I doooooo?

Monday, January 14, 2013

Colon Games: About as fun as they sound.

I've talked about this shit (heh) here before, and I'm going to have to talk about it again.

This post will be about my ass. Just a fair warning to those who would prefer NOT to read about my ass!

It's not about my ass being cute. That's the last warning...


So, for many years, I've been dealing with discomfort, unhappiness, and general malaise in the area of my stomach, guts, and ass. Back in 2010, it started getting bad enough for me to seek medical help for...whatever the fuck was happening, and it was decided that it was likely just IBS.

And then in 2011, it got to the point where I couldn't sit down, my ass hurt so much. I talked about what I was dealing with here, and then a bit more here, and a lot more here...and basically, August of 2011 is a good archive to check out if you have any questions about colonoscopies, fissures, and bleeding in places you shouldn't be bleeding from.

I haven't experienced problems like that for a LONG time. My IBS seems much more under control, and my stomach is pretty happy a lot of the time. I take supplements to help with candida (which I've been diagnosed with in the last year), and I've added a pretty strong probiotic that I take on a daily basis as well.

My shitting is much happier than it had been, is what it comes down to.

But right before Christmas, I had a pretty huge...hemorrhage, or something like it, and it was a shock. There was no pain, and there was no indication that a fissure had been reopened, or anything. It just...was a lot of blood.

Very odd.

And then that was it. I kept watch for a few days, but nothing else happened. So I moved on.

But now today is happening. Today started with a similar amount of blood earlier, and has continued throughout the day. I have no accompanying pain again, which is disconcerting.

I don't know if I should call the doctor, or if these are two random and unconnected episodes that have nothing to do with anything internal that might be happening.

But if it was a fissure, I would know. (If you've ever had one, you understand what I mean!) And if it were a hemmorhoid, same thing, right? I'd know. I think I would, anyway. :/

I guess it might be time for another colonoscopy. Damn...

Friday, January 11, 2013

Tea bagging, anyone?

I've honestly been trying to update all week, but I want to share pictures, and for some reason, Blogger isn't in the mood to upload my photos from my computer, so it hasn't been working out.

Which is FINE. I guess I'll just have to use words instead. ::sigh::

This week has been boring, aside from me having one of my "I'm FAT!" breakdowns all week long. I wound up seeing some commercials for Medifast, decided to look it up online, felt it might be the best way for me to get control on my weight at this point in my life, and ordered a 2 week supply of their food to give it a try. I'll be starting it next week, it looks like. I'll keep you all posted on the progress, if any.

The only thing that's been a true bother outside of the FAT lately has been obtaining prescriptions with our new medical plan that I have through work. I've been with Walgreens for years now, and we switched to a CVS program at the first of the year...which is fine, I'm sure. But I chose to move my scripts to a CVS that's closest to my house, and where they apparently employ folks that were in the bottom percentile of their classes in whatever capacity it was that they studied their pharm skills.

I initially attempted to fill the script at my old pharmacy, because the customer service dude I spoke to at the new benefit company told me that wouldn't be a problem. Except it was. For various reasons. And it took around 3 different phone calls to different people to figure out why, and what to do about it.

And then I had to call the new pharmacy I needed them to be moved to in order to get them to call the old pharmacy to get the info on the scripts, and they needed my insurance card, but we haven't received the permanent ones yet, so I told them I only had a temp card, and they asked me to bring it in, and so I told them I could do so on the way home from work...

I went in, and got lucky...no line yet. One built up behind me, though, while I was waiting to be helped, and while I waited for the pharm tech to get my prescriptions. She took my temporary benefits card over to what I would imagine was the pharmacy manager, or something, and then she came back and said, "Ok, we can get those prescriptions filled for you...we'll call you're name when they're ready!" And I said, "Why aren't they ready now? I was told that I could pick them up at 5, on my way home from work!" She told me that it would only be about 15 or 20 minutes. I said, "No thanks. I'll come in tomorrow." I was huffy, not gonna lie. The line behind me was 8 people deep by then. And I was sure as hell not going to wander around the fucking CVS for another 20 minutes while they filled my fucking Rx that they should have already filled earlier in the day. Fucking fuckers...

So on Saturday, it wound up being a much lazier day than expected, and I didn't wind up getting to the pharmacy until Sunday. At which point they told me that my one Rx (my propranolol) wasn't ready. Because they didn't have enough to fill my prescription.

::head explodes::

I asked why no one had CALLED ME to let me know about the issue? I'd already been sparsing out the remaining pills because of all the trouble I was having with the insurance card and getting the Rx's filled at my old pharmacy, and so I was feeling a little on edge. Which is what will happen when you back off on your usual amount of propranolol.

The pharm tech said they had called me Friday and left me a message. "No one called me. I received no message," I said. She looked at her computer and said, "Oh, yes. Sorry, we had an invalid number for you. So we couldn't get in touch with you."

Are you fucking KIDDING ME? "Ok, so why did you not contact the pharmacy that I transferred from, and maybe get my number from them?" She didn't answer. She just asked me if I had another CVS that I wanted her to check for the prescription instead. We checked a couple, found one that had it, and I left that store FOREVAH.

The other pharmacy that had my propranolol was much more on the ball. And much nicer to work with. And seemed smarter by many, many degrees. So I'll just work with them from now on when it comes to my prescriptions.

Leo is having a lot of issues getting his prescriptions filled now, too.

New insurance, basically, is a PAIN. IN. MY. ASS.

Other than all that crap, I have no complaints about the week. Yay!

And now it's FRIDAY! So I get to sleep in for the next two days! And that just sounds so good right now, it's not even funny. Have a good weekend, all.

Friday, January 04, 2013

Recipe for BLAH: Throw brain into blender. Hit "on" button. Pour and serve at room temp.

I’m totally dressed like a sloppy cowgirl clown person today. I don’t feel cute or pretty, dammit. It’s like this slapdash look that came out of comfortable items that all look well and good enough on their own, but thrown together in this way? Yeah, sloppy cowgirl clown achieved.

From the neck down, anyway. I don’t think my makeup qualifies as clownish at all. Can’t say for sure, though. My lack of judgment IS what allowed me to leave the house in this fucking stupid outfit, after all!

I still consider it a step up from what I had wanted to come to work in, though…which was a pair of old yoga pants that I wear only around the house now because I’m pretty sure you can see through parts of the fabric in the ass area, thanks to their age/amount of use I’ve gotten out of them.

I was comfortable. I didn’t want to change in order to be presentable to the outside world! Gaaaah.

Getting back into a routine of work/home/workout/sleep after an odd amount of vacation/work from home time has been difficult for me. Last week was spent in California with the Twin and her daughters a majority of the time. This week was spent alternately with me throwing up (Universe: “Here’s a nice norovirus for you there to kick off the new year!” Me: “ UGH. Um, no?” Universe: “Sorry, no choice on this one! Now, hurl your guts out for the next 14 hours! Have fuuuuuun!”), relaxing, entertaining a couple of out of town family members that were briefly passing through town on their way home from their own holiday excursion, and being back in the office.

My brain feels like it’s been thrown into a blender on a medium speed “chop” function. It mildly sucks ASS.

I have no resolutions. I have no plans for the year. I barely have plans for the next month. So to all of you who have goals and ideas and plans and wonderful ambition for the year ahead, you’re an inspiration. Really.

I’m not being sarcastic at all. I swear. I’m totally jumping up and down with excitement for you inside.

Come back next week, and I’ll maybe be jumping around OUTSIDE, too. You never know. (See above about the no plans thing…)

I’ll look around for a slap in the ass this weekend, I promise. If I can get my brain to stop jumping all over the place, that is…