Monday, May 12, 2014

Dealing With My Crazy

I had a rough weekend. Leo was away for a bachelor party, and I was alone with my thoughts, my dogs, and my personal version of crazy for a whole 4 days.

Fortunately, I have a friend that spent a lot of the time with me…we ate, we drank, we shopped, we had our nails done. All of those hours spent doing those things were really great for me, mentally.

But the rest of the time wasn't so much. I signed out of Facebook on Friday night, because my reaction to the things being posted by the group at the bachelor party was bothersome and annoying. Saturday was a great distraction from my over-active brain, for much of the day. But then I was alone again with my thoughts, and while I was able to go to bed without too much trouble that night, I did have a stomach ache, and woke up in the middle of the night feeling bothered, and was unable to go back to sleep for a while.

Sunday morning, I was at the end of my rope. I was teary, and even more upset. My stomach was in knots, and things that normally serve as a decent distraction for me (i.e. recorded episodes of Peoples’ Court on my Tivo) did nothing to help. The litigants were ridiculous and the cases were relatively unbelievable. This is troubling in itself!

After a relatively spirited conversation with Leo on the drive home from the airport, I was able to calm down a bit…we spoke more about what was upsetting me, and how he was feeling about what I was saying. My stomach was better. My brain was better. I slept well last night. Today, I feel productive and energetic. I journaled a bit ago, which inspired me to write this post. I’m going to head to the gym when I’m done here. I’ll work on my needlepoint, and mount a couple of finished pieces this afternoon.

Basically, I think I blew a fuse of sorts this weekend. Today, my breaker panel seems to be back in the right mode.

My journaling lead me down a mental realization path that I felt like sharing here, because it’s something I think we all often forget to implement in our daily lives. (I know I do, anyway!) I finished my entry today in a way that really helped me.

"I need to step it up, too. Actions speak louder than words, and this weekend’s activities reinforced that old adage more than anything else has for a long time. I need to think on this, and consider what I can do to be a more loving wife, and a better influence to the people I come into contact with. I think I’ve been so focused on being a better stranger to those I randomly meet, that I’ve lost touch with being a better loved one to the people I’m closest to in my life.

Great…something else to work on! Or is this just a realization of the next thing I need to work on? Regardless, I recognize it now, and will pay attention to it for what it is."

Our actions are what people remember. The way we behave, the way we respond to their presence in our lives, and the way we choose to share our time with them…those things we DO are what sticks with those we connect with, whether it be for a moment, or for an hour, or for many years. At work, at home, or at play, we should be mindful of how our attitude is expressed. Making eye contact and smiling while we make small-talk with the cashier at Trader Joe’s; connecting with our coworkers, and letting them know when we feel overwhelmed and need their help; conversely, telling our coworkers when we need some time alone to get our portion of a project done; going to visit family in order to feel connected to their lives, and to be there in person to express our support of them…

Expressing myself in a positive way is becoming more and more important to me. Not that it hasn’t been important before now. It was just…different, is the thing. This isn’t to say that I don’t have, or don’t allow negative emotions and expression to occur. Some days, there’s a lot of yelling and crying going on. It’s a release that works well for me, and if I didn’t do it, I’d probably get a tumor somewhere, and we all know THAT isn’t good.

I’ve been known to try to drown my emotions in wine and/or vodka. (And cider, and whiskey…la la laaa!)

I might’ve hit some things to express my negative reaction to stuff.

I might’ve tried to eat my way out of those negative feelings, too.

Hell, we aren’t perfect, right? DUH!

I’m trying to work through those negative emotions in healthier ways at this point in life, though. Through a law-hawt of therapy, I’m learning about the base emotions behind those reactions I’ve had all my life, and why they happen that way. My anger is likely a manifestation of fear and loneliness. My poorly-timed attempts at humor, while sometimes welcome, might be a manifestation of my low self-esteem, which again makes me scared of what people might think of me, and that can lead to me being angry at very weird times.

This is getting boring and wordy, so I’d better wrap things up and move on with my day. Net/net, how we behave is important. And don’t think for a second that it isn’t.  We must be accountable for ourselves, and speaking from experience, it’s just nicer to be accountable for our decent and loving actions than it is to have to be accountable for our bad and ugly ones.

So let’s all go out there and be pretty and fun and nice, dammit! It’ll put a smile on your face, I promise. :D

1 comment:

Holloway said...

Love this. xoxoxo