Thursday, October 23, 2014

Sometimes, just *being* is a tough enough job.

I think I'm having a mid-life crisis, guys. I don't know how else to ID what the hell is happening to me! It's a depression one day, and then it's perfectly fine the next day. And then it's a complete meltdown on others.

I've been processing a lot internally over the last year. I've been doing hypnotherapy for...well, it started as a weight loss thing a long time ago, but quickly turned into me just figuring out why I hate my "inner child" so damned much, and learning how to deal with that. It's been a year and a half, I think? And I finally don't hate that chick anymore. It might sound hokey and silly to you, but to me, it's been a whirlwind of discovery about myself.

Dealing with the trauma of the bullying I experienced when I was young.

Dealing with the emotions that accompany what it was like to be one of the youngest in a family of five, who also happened to be a twin, who's twin also just happened to be diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when we were just 6 years old.

Dealing with the identity that I took on at that point in life, trying to be noticed, trying to be accepted, trying to be an "easy" kid that everyone liked.

Dealing with the fact that I was identified as "the chubby twin". That's how most people told us apart during the early part of our life, because we looked so much alike, and it was the 70's. No one thought about how discouraging it might be to a kid when she's being identified as fat, and that's what makes her different from the person who looks almost exactly like her.

That child was so fucking obnoxious. I initially looked back on her with a shame that brought me to tears during most of my sessions with my therapist. I couldn't stand her! I didn't want to hug her or tell her that she was beautiful, as was being suggested during my hypnosis sessions. I wanted to cry because she was such an idiot.

Over a year later, I've figured out her motivation. I've been trying harder to see her again from her own eyes. She was trying to make things easier for everyone by being a good kid. By making people laugh. By being everyone's friend. She just wanted to be liked, and seen as an individual. She loved being a twin, but she hated that her closest friend was sick, and there was nothing she could do to help. At the same time, she resented that she wasn't "special" in a way that made mom and dad worry about her all the time, too. She was just ordinary. So she had to try to be unusual in some shape or form.

I can respect that.

I'm not yet at the point where I feel like I can help her 100% yet. I look at my "healthy, wise adult" self as being a 45 year old me. Someone that has taken the time and effort to work all this shit out. Even now, just thinking about it and writing this all out brings tears to my eyes. Because being happy isn't something you just DO. It's something that you have to work at. It takes a lot of inner focus. It takes a lot of time. It takes so much of an emotional toll, from time to time, throughout the process.

But I look at it all as being extremely important. I have to stay focused on the importance of it, or these periods of depression and overwhelming BLAH of it all will take over and negate all that work I've done already! I can't let that happen.

I won't let that happen.