Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Living With Loss (Ugh, that sounds like a self-help book title. Blech.)

I've been putting off a therapy project for a while, it seems like. It's surprising how long I've been putting it off, when I look back at the notes I've made in various therapy appointments about it.

I need to acknowledge my losses.

ALL of them. Big ones (mom, dad, and the Dead Boyfriend), little ones (these feel so dumb to even think about, but then I actually write them down and realize they aren't as little as I had made them out to be, like when my oldest sister moved across the country for the first time, or when I lost my very favorite stuffed animal when I was 5 or 6), and everything in between.

I just spent an hour writing down a page and a half-worth of losses, and finally had to stop because it was getting depressing.

I think that's kind of the point, unfortunately. But I picked a bad time to do the exercise, because I have shit I need to go do. I don't have time to deal with the emotions that are being brought up.

Which is the fucking story of my fucking life.

Is this what people do, though? Do people usually look at their losses, and feel the feelings that come up when they do it? Or am I more like everyone else, in that regard, when it comes to how I apparently have dealt with loss in my life all this time? I almost want to say "is this how normal people do it", but then I stop and remind myself that I AM NORMAL, goddammit.

Or am I? Fuck, I dunno. I gotta go to some appointments. I just wanted to get this out, is all.

Monday, March 07, 2016

We aren't all experts, people. (Read: You there. YOU, in particular, are talking out your ass. Stop it.)

So I gave up Facebook as an app on my phone a few weeks back, and it's been really nice for me, I think. A nice change. I'm not constantly checking for new statuses while I do other things. I'm not getting as mad about stupid things that have no impact on my life whatsoever. 

I might be replacing my original time-wasting searches on FB with time-wasting searches on things like Pinterest and Yahoo news, but who's keeping track, right? 

I spent a little bit too much time catching up on Facebook yesterday, after several days of not having checked it at all. I saw that my niece has a lovely new haircut. And my friend Lyn found a mint Harry Connick Jr "We Are in Love" record somewhere, and it made me all nostalgic and jealous. 

And then I stumbled across a little meme on my friend Joe's feed that said something about how Romeo & Juliet wasn't a love story, but rather a quick relationship between a 13 year old and a 17 year old that caused 6 deaths. It was silly, and gave me a giggle.

But then I made the mistake of reading the comments below the original post. ::sigh:: And the one that said, "I think this is a disgusting story to be held in such high esteem in the literary world" was apparently over my "ignore me, and move on!" line. 

Me: It's a fictional story. 
unsure emoticon
(I was an English Lit major, and my take away from studying Romeo & Juliet, in addition to other Shakespearean plays and poems, was about the writing, the development of story, and the language usage. We were left to our own devices to decide whether the topic was "disgusting" or not.)

Her:  I've never thought for one minute it was a true story. Please.

Me: I don't get your point about it being held in "high esteem", is all. We didn't study it because it was a great lesson of true love that we should all aspire to. We studied it because Shakespeare is a great writer. It's like saying that Poe stories shouldn't be held in high esteem because they're about death and scary things and poisoning people for fun. But his stories are legendary for a reason: because he's a wonderful writer. And his stories should be studied by students of all ages for reasons above and beyond just the content of the writing.

She didn't reply to that, which is helpful. I hope she doesn't. I already got sucked into the inflammatory language of her original opinion. Although I strongly disagree with her gentle suggestion that Romeo & Juliet is a disgusting story, what does it matter to me that she thinks that? 

Maybe she has kids that she's tainting with that kind of opinion. 

Yeah, but so what? 

This is the pitfall of Facebook for me. This is the pitfall of Facebook for lots of people, really. But, again, I don't really care about anything other than myself in this assessment. Literally everyone else on the planet can go right ahead and debate politics, TV show content, various topics of interest until they are blue in the entire body. If that makes y'all happy, then you do you. 

The aggravation it causes me is disturbing, and while little interactions like the one mentioned above aren't, in and of themselves, a huge issue, they snowball. And pretty soon, I'm seething over other things that have nothing to do with these friends/family/strangers on Facebook, and my outlook on people in general reaches a critical stage that makes me want to retreat to my basement for the foreseeable future where I can do things like watch mindless TV, read lovely books, and even walk on my treadmill while watching mindless TV and reading lovely books.

I don't think social media is for me. There are benefits to it, for sure. But my life is so much more peaceful without it. 

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Outer space will never, EVER be mah thang.

We went and saw The Martian last night, finally. It was a belated Valentine's Day thing, where we went and grabbed some dinner, and then went to the movie and ate our weight in various candies. (The Martian is a relatively long movie. Gives you a lot of time to eat bunches of candy!)

What made it officially Valentine'sy for me was that Leo bought me Butterfinger Bites without me even asking for them when I sent him out to the lobby to get candy and alcohols.

What made it Valentine'sy for him is that he got the last Red Vine in the box when we got down to that point. Lucky bastid. I really must love him.

At a certain point in the movie, Starman by David Bowie is playing, made more poignant for those of us seeing the movie for the first time right now, since David Bowie has actually passed away. And it made me think about his strong connection to outer space, and how we all hope that his soul is truly at rest and peacefully experiencing outer space as it seemed he always wished he could while he was still with us on earth. (Those of us that believe in afterlife, anyway! ;))

And my immediate thought following that one was, "No. NOPE. If my afterlife involves anything outer spacey at. all., I will be really pissed.

But I sure hope David Bowie is experiencing it, dammit!"

The Martian was a great flick. Glad we got to see it in theaters, even this late in the game. (We intended to go see Hail Caesar!, but it was showing at times that didn't fit our shedyule for the evening, so that will just have to wait.) I loved just about everyone's performance in the movie, and the effects were fucking UHMAAYzing.

And I still have some Butterfinger Bites left over. Which is also kind of UHMAAYzing, in it's own right.

I'm still not ready to head back to Facebook yet, but I'm enjoying sharing my thoughts on stuff here on the good ol' blog for the time being. So I'll post links on FB for those that want to read along and see what I've been up to. And I DO get messages via FB messenger, I think, so you can still get in touch with me that way, too. If you wanna. :)

Thursday, February 18, 2016

That's littering. Just...plain and simple littering, you littering litterer.

Have I ever just spit out my gum someplace other than in a trashcan? Yeah, I have. When I was younger, I was known to have thrown my gum out of a couple of moving cars, or into the bushes alongside any given path I might've been on at any given moment.

I also drove drunk a couple of times when I was in college, and didn't use condoms all that frequently.

I did lots of dumb shit when I was younger, is mah point.

But spitting my gum out in a parking lot, or on a sidewalk where people might be walking around? I just never really did that. I have always really liked having the type of gum that has a wrapper, because I would save the wrapper, and then when I was done with my gum I had an automatic place to put it, if there wasn't a trashcan right near by.

Once, when I was practicing for a play I was in, I chewed a piece of gum so long, it basically turned into this mushy mass in my mouth. I was on stage for over an hour. The gum was in my mouth that whole time. I don't remember which kind of gum it was. Extra? Bubble Yum? Not sure. But it was pretty weird. In a gross way. I'm pretty sure I wound up swallowing the mush after a few moments.

Anyway, every time I go to the gym, I am reminded that there are LOADS of cretins who, in spite of a large number of very easily accessible trashcans near their person, choose to spit their gum out right there on the concrete. Just RIGHT THERE. On the sidewalk on their way to the door to the gym. Or on their way out of the gym. Or in the parking lot, as they walk to their car. Or perhaps right next to their car, as if the last thing they do as they climb in and close the door behind them is to lean out into the parking lot, and ditch the wad of gum they had in their mouths.

What is that about??? Why do people do this kind of shit?

When I was a sophomore in college, we did this "Day of Service" thing at the beginning of the fall semester. Every student...every single one of those 400 or so of us, were sent out to various places to do charitable acts. My group was sent to a high school campus in Santa Monica to help clean it up before their school year began. And my particular assignment that day? For 6 HOURS? Was to scrape up gum off of the walkways and staircases that were on campus.

It was disgusting. And also, kind of a waste of time, in my opinion. I mean, those idiot teenagers already clearly gave 2 shits about where they disposed of their gum. Why clean it up? They were just going to do it again. ::sigh::

I get the point more now than I did then. But still...people who spit their gum out all willy nilly have always pissed me off.

So don't be one of those people, ok? I'll love you a lot more if you aren't one of those people.