Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Living With Loss (Ugh, that sounds like a self-help book title. Blech.)

I've been putting off a therapy project for a while, it seems like. It's surprising how long I've been putting it off, when I look back at the notes I've made in various therapy appointments about it.

I need to acknowledge my losses.

ALL of them. Big ones (mom, dad, and the Dead Boyfriend), little ones (these feel so dumb to even think about, but then I actually write them down and realize they aren't as little as I had made them out to be, like when my oldest sister moved across the country for the first time, or when I lost my very favorite stuffed animal when I was 5 or 6), and everything in between.

I just spent an hour writing down a page and a half-worth of losses, and finally had to stop because it was getting depressing.

I think that's kind of the point, unfortunately. But I picked a bad time to do the exercise, because I have shit I need to go do. I don't have time to deal with the emotions that are being brought up.

Which is the fucking story of my fucking life.

Is this what people do, though? Do people usually look at their losses, and feel the feelings that come up when they do it? Or am I more like everyone else, in that regard, when it comes to how I apparently have dealt with loss in my life all this time? I almost want to say "is this how normal people do it", but then I stop and remind myself that I AM NORMAL, goddammit.

Or am I? Fuck, I dunno. I gotta go to some appointments. I just wanted to get this out, is all.